Honesty and Transparency in Fakenham Election
The candidates for the 2017 election to Fakenham’s Town Council have collaborated in the production of a joint manifesto.
‘Things are in a bit of a mess and we are all responsible. Long term problems need long term solutions and our previous habits of employing election strategists have made us focus on the things to get us re-elected rather than the good of Fakenham and its people. We have all played silly career games which have led us to meddle just to demonstrate activity for its own sake. Councillors with no knowledge of their departments have been put in charge and as soon as they have actually got a grip, there have been reshuffles and another department head has been appointed who has to start all over again. The party system has been a disaster for our electorate. We all could see the financial crash coming, but none of us could admit it for fear of losing face. We all knew we should at least occasionally balance the books but we all spent far more than we collected. Despite doing exactly the same, one side of the Council called the other reckless and the other side retorted with charges of savage austerity.
For this election we admit that you are going to have to pay more tax, and we can make no promise other than to do our best for you as individuals. we abandon our parties and their whips who have driven well intentioned councillors into becoming mere lobby feed. So have a good look at us individually and vote for the ones that seem to have their hearts in the right place. We will no longer insult your intelligence by issuing manifesto promises or sticking together in the political parties that have done so much to damage you all.’
Fakenham News @fakenews.norf
This is a disgrace. Even in a fake news column nobody will believe guff like this. Editor
A thousand things to do with a dead uncle
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un had his audience at the Fakenham Family Centre in stitches as he regaled them with a hilarious account of his the surprise he sprang on his favourite uncle. At times he was scarcely able to continue as he had to wipe tears of laughter from his chubby cheeks. He described the way in which the old boy who had dangled him on his knee and told him stories as a child was invited to sit in a nice comfortable chair and help in a the survey ‘How clean are the barrels of my anti aircraft guns.’ Kim thought that the funniest thing of all was how his uncle’s last words were ‘It all looks pretty clear to me.’
When questioned by members of the audience Kim Jong-un reluctantly agreed that in the normal round of uncle killings a slightly smaller fire-arm might produce less collateral damage.
The good people of Fakenham gave Kim a standing ovation and pleaded for an encore in the form of a little song about the day his half brother went to the airport. Kim smiled his modest little smile and promised to come back in 2018.
Kim Kardashian Unplaced in Fakenham Bottom Contest
Bookies were confounded when the favourite Kim Kardashian failed to finish in the top three in Fakenham’s prestigious Best Bottom competition.
The judges were unanimous in awarding the title to 83 year old Bob Anthony, despite his protests that he was not entering the competition but merely answering an urgent call of nature.
The Chairman of the judging panel complimented Bob on the white scrawny look that he had cultivated in his exposed rear end. The interesting swirls of grey hair against a background of explosive red spots were especially commended.
Ms Kardashian left Fakenham before the prizes were awarded but her spokesman confirmed that she would be go into training for the 2018 competition. She would seek success by pursuing a strategy of marginal gains rather than top to bottom changes.
Fakenham’s mayor was reported as being happy with a local boy doing good.
Putin in Leg Amputation drama.
Patients attending Fakenham Hospital have reported seeing the Russian President arriving in Accident and Emergency and demanding the facilities to amputate his own leg. Hospital managers consulted the rule book and informed the Soviet Supremo that if he wanted to cut above the knee then he would be charged as a private patient but that below the knee would be free on the West Norfolk Health Plan.
Witnesses to the act report that, through his translator, Putin declared ‘Then I cut it off exactly at the knee and get the best of both worlds.’ Facilities were made available to the visiting statesman and in no time at all he was hopping out of the hospital with the limb tucked under his arm. He turned to the staff who had been present and told them ‘This is the way to run a health service.’
Our reporter at the scene interviewed other patients and were told that it was a disgrace that a man from outside West Norfolk should be allowed to come in like that and go straight to the head of the queue.
The 3rd Miliband Brother shock
The good people of Fakenham are still reeling from the surprise of discovering that a third Miliband brother has been living in their midst for over a year. His identity came to light when postman Archie Wake noticed that letters he delivered to 3 Station Road were consistently addressed to Terry Miliband. When he knocked on the door and asked the occupant if he really was Terry Miliband the recipient of all that post nodded and told him ‘You’ve got me banged to rights there mate.’
Neighbours had never suspected that Mr Miliband was in fact a Miliband and said that he had been a bit rum but no trouble really.