GENERAL ELECTION SPECIAL
A TRIUMPH FOR ALL OF THE PARTIES: A DISASTER FOR THE VOTERS
West Norfolk Premier Max Gudgeon has greeted the results of the snap election called by him as a triumph for his party. ‘In terms of a sharp reduction in seats won it is perhaps a tad disappointing but what really counts is the total votes cast and on the back of that ringing endorsement I will be providing more strong and stable leadership with the help of my very good friends in the Downham United Party. The DUP have struck a hard bargain and the country may have to tighten its belt to fund the amount of funds which will now flow into projects for Downham Market, but this is a small price for retaining the quality leadership which only I can provide.’
In other parts of West Norfolk the results were greeted with similar enthusiasm by the leaders of the other parties. TheWorkers’ Alliance greeted its clear and substantial defeat with unbridled enthusiasm. Having set their expectations so very low they were basking in the glory of what was merely a poor result. The Liblabs who were once so mighty in West Norfolk were over the moon having turned one seat in the last election into two. The nationalists who had suffered catastrophic losses still trumpeted the fact that in Hunstanton Heacham and Greater Snoring they remained the majority party. Even UNIP who were wiped off the face of the political map claimed that they had masterminded everything that was good about the results.
The people of West Norfolk somehow have failed to share the enthusiasm. In the saloon bar of the Bishop and Badger the general view was to wonder what had to happen to make West Norfolk’s political parties realise that the electorate didn’t think much of any of them or the way in which they went about their business. But then politics always was wasted on the voters.
Mutton-headed Old Mugwump
Max Gudgeon’s decision to call an election only 6 weeks after promising not to do so was greeted with moans and groans in the towns and villages of West Norfolk. At his next campaign rally he decided to hit the subject head-on.
‘Some people say that I am calling for a poll because the economy is on the skids. Others claim that I am taking advantage of a feeble and disunited opposition led by a mitton-handed old dumprump, even a mottle-bearded old frumpmug. You, my friends will appreciate that this election is one hundred and ten per cent for the good of the hard working folk of West Norfolk and any benefit to my own position is purely coincidental.’
Even though the audience had been hand-picked and well paid there came an angry shout of ‘Get it right Gudgeon. You mean a muddle-headed old mugwump.’
Max Gudgeon gave a nod to the burly security men and as the protester was being carried away quipped ‘I think you will find that one man’s mutton-head is another man’s prison.’
United Bus passenger shock horror
King’s Lynn surgeon Dorothy Twigg decided to ride The United Bus service from the Wednesday Market Place to the Charlesinwaiting Hospital after receiving an urgent summons. No sooner had she sat down in the half empty bus than six heavily built employees of UB rushed on board, slapped her about a bit and deposited her dazed and bleeding on the pavement. The incident was captured on camera and soon the scenes of her treatment were being tweeted all over West Norfolk from Downham Market to the sea.
United Bus’ CEO issued a statement that a woman had been forcibly removed as she was a skanky malodorous rat bag and her place was required by a senior executive of the company who always liked that particular seat.
The statement did not go well and so the CEO issued a clarification. ‘The seat was required by a Junior executive of the company. A senior executive would of course have travelled by his chauffeur driven limo.’
Dorothy Twigg was interviewed after attending the funeral of the patient whom she had been too late to save and thanked the CEO for the gift of a corporate Tshirt with the slogan ‘Ride the Friendly Bus Lanes’
Bargaining chips? Certainly not.
West Norfolk President Magnus Gudgeon waved a copy of his election manifesto and pointed to the section dealing with immigration. At times his voice was drowned by the cheering of the crowd in King’s Lynn’s market square. ‘I gave you my word that in office I would deal with the problem of immigration. Now that we have regained control of our borders I will do everything possible to meet my undertaking that net immigration should increase by tens of thousands every year. Our crops are not going to harvest themselves. Our hospitals will not function without skilled nurses from Latvia and Lincoln. Our curry houses will close without the skills of cooks from Birmingham and Bangladesh.
‘I appreciate that the hard working men and women from Poland and Peterborough may feel anxious about their residence status. But then I am duty bound to think of our citizens now stranded in Norwich and Acle and other places far beyond the wall. Is it reasonable for West Norfolk to make a unilateral commitment to allowing workers to leave the country, when we have no guarantee that our citizens will be allowed to leave the neighbouring countries of England and Norfolk and return to swell the population of our beloved West Norfolk? ‘
A rude voice from the crowd shouted out that it was immoral to use immigrants as bargaining chips. Over the muffled sound of truncheon on bone President Magnus Gudgeon declared ‘I would never use anybody as a bargaining chip. Perish the thought, but our highly valued immigrants wouldn’t want me to be saddled with a weakened negotiating position, would they?’
Apology to the president
It is with deep regret that The Trumpet must accept that its account of the inauguration of President Magnus Gudgeon published in our edition of 1st February contained manifest and grievous errors. It was the Presidential Press Secretary Bob Leach who was kind enough to point out our errors and good enough to require this clarification.
There were in fact more than three million people who thronged the streets to welcome President Gudgeon.
All welcomed him and the singing of the West Norfolk and them was perfect in every way.
The pigeons and sea-gulls all flew upside-down to avoid anything which might be construed a disrespecting the occasion. In the River Ouse the fish and seals all floated to the surface so as to hear the Presidential address.
Those questioned by this paper about their re-action to the speech did not say that it was alright. They said that they loved every word of it.
Never again will so-called journalistic standards be allowed to fall to such shameful depths.
Special day for the local man
Crowds in excess of ninety braved the elements to greet President Magnus Gudgeon and hear his inaugural address.
The new President, a Downham Market man, walked from the station hand in hand with his wife and First Lady Susan. She comes from Great Snoring. A few weak rays of sun broke through the cloud as he mounted the podium and took his oath of office. The mayor dressed in his ceremonial robes put the sacred question before a hushed audience. ‘You gonna do your best then?’ President Magnus Gudgeon looked down at his script and gave the answer required by law and custom ‘Cor blast me Yes.’
The crowd all cheered and then the ceremonial mouth organ played the first few notes of our new country’s anthem and Susan Gudgeon stepped forward and led the singing.
West Norfolk we are
West Norfolk all through
Cor blast me we are
I’m telling yew
The President’s inaugural address set the tone for his new administration.
‘We’re a bit on the small side. No doubt about that. Can’t find those notes but I do know we are free of Europe, free of the United Kingdom and now free of East Norfolk. Can’t ask for more. Short on hectares; long on sovereignty. So we will build a wall right round us and pay ourselves so much for building it we won’t need to send the bill to our neighbours, but we might do that all the same.
Haven’t you lot got work to do? I’ve got some golf to play in half an hour.’
When the frantic cheering had died down our roving reporter sought the views of those who had witnessed this moving ceremony and they all said that it were alright.