‘I am Poppy Sallabank. I am a character in The West Norfolk Question and so I don’t really exist.  But then dear reader I doubt if that is your real name and your account of events is not exactly the pure unsullied truth either, is it?’

Q.Dear Poppy,

My darling kitten Snowball has died.  I cannot bear to part with her and wonder if you could advise me on ways to preserve her? Erica from Mattishall.

A. Dear Erica,

You should have seen this coming.  All entirely predictable.  Time to start living in the real world and carry out your negotiation in a way which recognises the bad hand you are holding,  which is entirely down to your own actions.

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

I have given notice to leave my golf club and assume that I will be able to continue to play as often as I want but without paying a membership fee.  The 27 other members are being most unreasonable and have forced me to start by settling my bar bill before they will even discuss the possibility of golf after my notice expires.  I never thought that they would behave like that.  Can you advise me how to make them see sense? David from Westminster.

A. Dear David,

Go see a taxidermist.

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

I am thinking of voting for a party.  Its leader wears nice shoes but it seems a bit muddled about immigration.  It promises to reduce it though it has never kept that promise.  It acknowledges that if it did keep the promise it would damage the economy but it won’t say how much.  It criticises everyone else for un-costed promises but gives me very little detail about its own proposals.  I am sure I can trust them?  Do you agree?  Harry from Hunstanton.

A. Dear Harry from Hunstanton,

I would rather drink raw sewage than vote for that lot.

Q Dear Poppy,

I am thinking of voting for a party. Its leader is really nice and keeps a tidy allotment.  But I am worried about his financial wisdom.  The effective rate of tax for my doctor is now over 70% as he loses his personal allowance and he is going to retire early. The party thinks that spending on capital projects doesn’t count as expenditure and I can see every bit of repair and renewal being reclassified as capital.  They want to govern for the many not the few but a if you look at how their party is run anyone who dares to step out of line is cruelly savaged.  I think that I can rely on these people to do a good competent job.  Do you agree?  Molly from Mattishall

A. Dear Molly from Mattishall

I would rather drink raw sewage than vote for that lot.

Dear Poppy,

Q.I am thinking of voting for a very special party.  I am not sure who the leader is but I am sure he is very nice.  The party has no beliefs of its own but just loves to position itself between its two bigger brothers so that it can claim to give the best of both worlds.  This time it has actually had an idea.  It just loves referenda and wants another on Brexit to reverse the first one.  If it succeeds it knows that UKIP will be back and soon there will be a third BREXIT referendum and that would enable it to call for another and so on.  I think I can trust these lovely people.  Do you agree?  Bertie from Bawdeswell.

A. Dear Bertie from Bawdeswell

I would rather drink raw sewage than vote for that lot.

 

APOLOGY FROM EDITOR

Ms Sallabank wishes to say that the answers she gave to the three questions above may have been mixed in error, but she is sure that readers will be able to apply the right answer to the appropriate question

 

 

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

My lavatory is blocked.  I told my Mum that I wanted to clear it by pouring petrol in and lighting a match.  She has made me promise not to do it, but I am sure it is the right thing.  What do you advise?  Wilma from Wisbech.

 

A.  Dear Wilma from Wisbech

That is what gives people like you a bad name.  Quite disgraceful.  Self serving nonsense.  I despair.

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

I was thinking of calling a snap election.  I know I said I wouldn’t but I have a great chance to do so and blame it on the Europeans and anyone else who doesn’t agree with me.  Do you have any advice for me? Tess from Westminster.

 

A. Dear Tess,

You gave a promise and should stick to it.  It is as simple as that.  Of course you may break your promise and get away with it but there is every chance of you getting your bum burned and being showered in excrement.  And if you do, don’t come crying to me.

 

 

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

My boyfriend spends too much time flirting with my next door neighbour.  She is no better than she ought to be and I don’t trust either of them.  What should I do? Helen Mae. Hillington.

A. Dear Helen from Hillington,

The answer is very simple.  Take him to the vet and have him castrated.  It will not be a complete solution but it is always a very good first step.

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

My labrador Fred goes wild when the poodle next door is on heat.  What can I do to calm him down?  Bob Bewtree.  Bilney.

A. Dear Bob from Bilney,

All I can suggest is that he needs to make a choice.  It is either you or the bitch next door.  He can’t expect to have both.

 

Q. Dear Poppy,

I am trying to catch a monster tench. What ingredients should I add to my groundbait? Bob Jones. Binham.

A. Dear Bob from Binham

Friends and colleagues.

 

Q. Dear Poppy I need to carry out a vital international negotiation. How should I address my foreign counterparts? Harrold James. Heacham.

A. Dear Harrold from Heacham

Worms, maggots and boilees.

Poppy

 

Q. Dear Poppy I have bought a new shed. It is my pride and joy. How should I treat it so that it remains in pristine condition? Dave. Downham Market.

A. Dear Dave from Downham Try treating it with yoghurt.  Apply lavishly every day.  If this does not work then go to Boots and get something for it over the counter.

Poppy

 

Q. Dear Poppy, I have developed severe itching in my lady bits and a stinging sensation when I pee. I am afraid to tell anyone else. What should I do? Amy. Hillington. – See more at:

A. Dear Dave from Downham Try treating it with yoghurt.  Apply lavishly every day.  If this does not work then go to Boots and get something for it over the counter.

Poppy